1998 — ∞

While the pandemic of COVID-19 is still a thing, I'm forced to stay and study at home for the next semester. I often used my free time to surf through youtube or reading articles or tweets about a lot of topics but mainly science, and I start to think all the pieces of information I've gathered often just slipped away without a trace in my mind if I didn't write it down somewhere. So, I decided to store it in this platform for me to remember, and here it is a collection of (literally) what I've learned through the week and will (hopefully) be updated every week specifically on Friday. I think it won't be all about science and shits but also other random stuff too. So yeah :-) just a thing I do to get me occupied while battling with everyday struggle to survive :-) and also, from my experience, writing down information is good to train your mind to remember things better.

Mountain Aesthetic Chrome Theme - ThemeBeta

I've loved you in many ways, for so many years

it was never showed, perhaps never will

it was unbearable for so long

for now, I think I'm finally fine

being invisible for a long time slowly fades it

ad infinitum is still for you and will always be

meaning the little room that I spare deep in my heart is still yours

we eventually grew up, leaving pieces of the past behind

I'm fully aware that I'm forgotten

I will continue to keep telling myself that's okay

we will continue to live the life separately

I hope you wake up with a smile on your face

I hope you find happiness in every place you visit

I hope life do you good,

especially today on your special day

maybe someday, someday we'll meet at the mountain top.

I knew from the beginning that you'd leave
I knew it but it still hurts when it happened
Zero explanation made it much worse
You left me wondering what did I do wrong

Looking back to those old times, now
A part of me was glad, you were my temporary fix
Being an intriguing distraction in my lowest phase in life
But, I took it way too far

And I was blinded by feelings
Even though rejection was there,
right in front of my face the whole time
I was too silly to even realize that

— your fake violet.

Wasted Times

How can you tell when the time is wasted?

Is it when you just stare blankly at nothing for hours?

Is it when you sleep during the day instead of doing dishes?

Is it when you over-think about unimportant stuff?

Is it when you failed your exam even though you have already studied?

Is it when you’ve already dressed up and someone cancel the plan?

Is it when your boss tell you to change the work you’ve already finished?

Let me tell you my version of it

It is simply when I wait for too long and he never shows up

Another question to ask,

Is wasted time really wasted?

An excerpt from SUNDOWN

-F, 24 December 2019

We look up at the afternoon sky in this home of our own. Thinking about the future that will never come the way we want it to be. Yet our heads still play along with the wind blows, goes here and there and back and forth, nothing could ever stop us.

You look at me, the look that makes me feel like I’m the luckiest person in the world this afternoon. The look I can never know how to return it back. Then you say you are very lucky to have me in your life, oh darling you don’t know I was just thinking the same thing but reversed. But I can’t talk, I just smile. Trying my best to give my all-time-best-smile that afternoon. And you just simply smiled back, now mine feels nothing compared to yours.

I stroke your hair, smelling the vanilla shampoo and the natural scent of your body. It is comforting my body, but not my brain. I kiss your forehead and I feel my heart goes wild, again. You smile again, now it's one of my favorite views ever.

I hold you tight, not wanting to let go forever. You hold me tighter.

At least not today, I keep telling myself this.

F, 3 Oct 2016 9:40 PM.

With everything that happened in-between November,

I'm glad you came to my life like a sunrise

Like a new day, sunny and warm day, a fresh start

One of many questions that was running in my head,

Why does it feels like I've known you forever?

Strangely, we clicked just like in a blink of an eye

Never have I imagined us to become so open like this

I feel like I can share every little thing, and of course you can too!

We're both tired souls with a spark of hope and spirit inside us

And that is enough, enough to survive and to walk through the day

Let's not get sad again

Let's be each other's reminder to smile everyday

You said I've saved you, little did you know that you saved me too

You make me want to do good things cause you do it all the time

Now I see the world differently

Please don't belittle yourself, you matter

You deserve every single happiness this world could offer

I hope we never run out of stories to tell

Be my friend even when the sun sets

F, December 7th 2019

with everything fake plastics

we're trying to fit in to some fucked up society

eyes that saying please fall in love with me

give my tar black lung your carbon dioxide

fill every gap in between my bones

-F, August 4th 2017

i know i'll wake up tired

seconds of spacing out

then back to reality

i know i'll wake up regretting

thinking the night's wasted

works are unfinished

again

i'll wake up the next day

walking as steady as i can

while contemplating my life

and still trying to fit in

figuring how to do it best

i'll wake up the next day

with pencil and papers inside my head

forced smile and tired muscles

hold my head high with shaky feet

i'll wake up the next day

i know i will

breathing and alive

F, January 16th 2018

Who likes who first?
We often argue about it
Early in our days together
When leaves were green and the sun still up there
When days pass so fast, I couldn't wait for tomorrow
When we never run out of talks
You liked me first!
No, you!
Funny that it didn't really matter
The fact that we hate each other now
I know exactly who hates who first.

F, 25 Oct 2019